I’ve been struggling with a lot of interpersonal stuff lately with my ex/roommate/???¹. That’s not news. But what is news, even to me, is how much better I am at describing what I need from relationships of any kind, what I need from connections.

A big part of this is definitely therapy. My therapist has been an immense help, even after only five sessions. I came out of today’s session very invigorated and confident about my next course of action and the words I’ve chosen for it. In fact, I’m so fired up that I can’t sleep. I came downstairs and made myself a second chamomile tea to help me sleep before realizing that what I really wanted was some decaf coffee. So now I have both while I write this out. I’ve also finally finally taken this time to file down my nails to a reasonable length.

Last week, my therapist assigned me homework. She asked me to describe what “openness” meant to me when I was younger, what I means now, and what it might look like in the future. I keep using the word “openness” to describe what’s missing with Lila, what I have with Chrys, had with Steph, thought I had with Josie.. I haven’t done the homework, but I’m realizing today that the exercise was to find more exact words than just “openness”, because it’s kind of a vague word I guess.

And last night and today, I’ve definitely found one: vulnerability. I need a shared vulnerability between us. Not necessarily about your past, your fears, your trauma (eventually, though, yes), but at a minimum: vulnerability about what’s going on between us. Even if we’re friends, I need us to be able to actually talk to each other and be completely open about the stuff between us. If I hurt you, I need to know that, and I need you to tell me that. I need us to talk about it so you can share how it hurt you and I can listen, sincerely apologize, and adjust my behavior. And I need to know that I can come to you and you will listen to me just the same when I feel hurt too. And that’s just missing in this situation, which is causing all sorts of assumptions and misunderstandings.

Wow I guess a sense of trust is another way to describe openness too. Though I think being vulnerable implies a sense of trust to begin with.

That’s a big part of what I need. And now that I have this word, I can start to explain myself better, explain my needs, and intentionally seek this out.

I felt like I was gonna write more, but then I started to get really, really tired. Decaf still has a tiny bit of caffeine in it, and way back I used to drink super small instant coffees to help me fall asleep. So that’s good night from me. Thanks for listening 💕