My therapist says I need to learn how to do self reassurance. As I lay awake for the NNNth night in a row ruminating on something I can’t do anything about, I realize she’s right. And she’s going to help me develop this skill don’t worry, we just kinda got to that topic at the end of last session. It’s definitely something I’ve always struggled with, but I’ve never had such a light shone on it before.

Looking back I think this is indeed a major issue I have, a skill a never developed. I’ve always needed that external reassurance. From my parents, from my siblings, my friends, partners, etc. I used to, in fact, seek it out super regularly when my wife and I started living together. I had just come out of a bad situation living with my Ex which had trained me to read into a lot of things she was doing. With my wife, I would actually directly ask her for reassurance about something. The first few times were hard and scary, but she was so soft and gentle with me and always reassured me that things were okay. Sometimes it was legitimately a situation we were having and I needed the reassurance that we were okay despite. Other times it was absolutely me misreading something and getting the reassurance that we were good and I had just misread something helped a ton. The latter might have helped the most to be honest, because it helped me build a kind of trust, I guess, towards her.

I don’t think I like the word trust, but I truly cannot find a better word at the moment. It does fit though, I just think using it here implies that I did not trust my wife, which has never been the case. “Trust” is a good word though because I did start developing a trust in us as a couple that helped me realize I was completely misreading or misunderstanding things. I brought this up with my therapist as I was rambling about reassurance and realized that it’s been actual years since the last time I asked my wife for reassurance. I know we’re rock solid, and I know that if there’s anything that threatens that, we can and will talk about it.

I guess in a way, I did develop self reassurance specifically about my wife, by way of asking for that external reassurance.

I’ve never had a relationship like this ever before or since, of any kind. I’ve never felt safe or assured in any connection that I’ve ever had. My parents as a kid never offered this, nor did I ever feel safe asking for it. And never feeling safe asking for that at home probably made it impossible to ask for it elsewhere.

This is yet another data point about how my wife is so unique and special to me. Everything that comes so naturally between us is something I’ve had to work so hard for with other people, if it ever got achieved at all. One day we’ll figure out what makes us so damn great together 💕