I’ve written so many different drafts about everything that’s happened lately, and none of them cover everything the right way, nor do they feel like they could be properly merged together into the larger picture. How could I do any of this justice? It’s so complicated, there’s so much pain wondering when it will be resolved, there’s so much hope just sitting there dormant unable to be hoped. It just sucks, you know? It all sucks so much. There’s nothing I can do about anything. I can’t even wait.
A really hard part is I finally met someone who is actually similar to me in this way, the fear of abandonment, the internal reactions to that fear, how I get stuck on things, how I get stuck on people, the constant beating myself up for fucking everything up (even though it’s no one person’s fault) the unending hope. The root causes of why might be different but the end result is so familiar. Seeing this in her and feeling those familiar struggles… It was uncanny. I didn’t know other people like that existed – I mean, okay, academically I know they exist, obviously, if I exist then certainly others do too, I’m not unique – but to actually meet someone like that.. And we can’t even be friends or try to support each other, because of the complexity of the pain and the other person that’s involved.
It’s a unique kind of pain to lose someone you love, briefly reconnect, learn more about her and realize how close you could actually be, and then lose her all over again. Lonely doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Small wins though: at least this time she and I parted on decent and friendly terms.
So what do you do but move forward one day at a time, one step at a time and just focus on what’s in front of you I guess. Do what you can today. Tomorrow’s problems for tomorrow’s you.
Hey you, if you do see this.. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I just gotta let these feelings out somewhere, you know? Somewhere. I just need to feel heard, feel even the slightest bit less alone, and putting this here helps. Even if you don’t read this, even if no one reads this, it’s still out there.