Lately I have begun to feel like a problem that others are trying to fix and I fear that perhaps I have referred to myself as “broken” around them too many times. It’s uncomfortable because I legitimately do feel broken and I feel like I should be able to discuss that feeling with people I trust. I have some really tough mental health struggles. Emotional pain seizes me in the most physically painful ways possible. Sometimes I wonder if losing a finger would be more bearable than losing a love. At least physical wounds heal.

I do not feel lesser or undeserving or anything like that. I know my worth and it is high. What I mean is, well, just that: I’ve never felt whole. I’ve always felt like a collection of shattered pieces. Broken. Something I didn’t get as a child, from my parents, from my sisters, this hole inside of me that I’m constantly seeking to fill. So perhaps in another sense, I have never felt put together. Perhaps I was never filled up with the right amount of stuff at the Build-A-Bear shop and now I’m always seeking that missing fluff hoping someone will finally give it to me. But how do I put it inside of me once I find it? If I find it..

Is it too much to let me grieve and process and carry my feelings? Why must I be pushed to do the things I’m not ready for? I should be allowed to be sad. I am allowed to be sad. You have let me be sad.

I don’t need to be fixed, I need to be loved.

I know my BPD shapes so much of this but I am more than my BPD. Grief is not a symptom of BPD. Being sad is not a symptom of BPD. I still have regular emotions. Yeah she’s my Favorite Person and that’s a convenient thing to point at, it definitely has an influence, but grief is grief no matter what.

Recently I tried getting to know a woman my age and when she asked me for a selfie to add to my contact in her phone I physically recoiled. My wife suggested that something may spark if I gave it time and I surprised myself with my immediate response: “I don’t want it to.” I’m just not ready for that. So why should I keep trying when I’m just not ready? I should be allowed to just not seek anything out.

I should be allowed to hole up and heal at my own pace.

Trying to talk to people, keep running into my own emotional walls. I don’t know if I should be pushing myself or giving myself time instead. I’m grieving so hard and I just feel so closed off and alone but I also want to push everyone away and curl up into a blanket ball for five months

@acupofsugar.bsky.social - 10:37 PM · Jun 11, 2026

Some people write heart wrenching acoustic music. I write blogposts.

Let me grieve. It will be a long process. I will always feel this love and this regret. I will always wonder what I could have done differently, second guessing everything I ever did. I will always carry that bit of hope with me. Let that be okay. Please. This is how I am. This is me. I deserve to be fully me.

Please stop trying to fix me. I may be broken, but I am not to be fixed.