I’ve been pushed from several angles lately to start dating again, or to at least start meeting new people. This is not a callout post, I am not upset or angry; this is more of a thoughtful reflection on why I’m not ready yet.

A lot of people think I’m still being “too sad” over what happened. Yes there’s obviously still sadness; look, I’m going to be sad forever. I’m still sad about things that happened almost twenty years ago. I’m a sad girl! You just kinda have to accept that about me. But that’s only part of why I’m not putting myself out there. If it was just sadness, I would be diving into new things trying to ease that sadness! No, it’s more than that.

I have bpd. I get obsessed with people. Colloquially it’s called the “Favorite Person” and when I am in a relationship with my FP, whoever it is, I always hurt them badly and blow up the relationship. They’re usually nice people and the relationships otherwise could be very wonderful, but through my own struggles with my mental health I cause immense pain to this person. This is a cycle that has repeated throughout my life and I am TERRIFIED to let it continue. I am terrified of my obsession switching to a new person and putting us through all of this pain. This most recent time I blew up something deeply important to me and I’m waking up and realizing that I desperately need to end this cycle. But only I can do that. This is not something that someone else can fix in me if they just love me the right way or try to help me a certain way. This is something I have to do on my own.

I am so tired of the way that I am. I can't keep doing this.

In my therapy we’re really diving into the “why”s of my obsessive attachments. What am I latching on to? Are there certain traits that make me more likely to obsess over one person vs another? What things are common between all my obsessions? I am not saying these people are doing anything wrong, and I’m not saying that I need to avoid certain people. What we’re trying to do is figure out what’s going on so I can be more aware of it. Awareness of a thing makes it much easier to manage. Once I am aware of what drives an obsession, then I can work on handling my response to that.

So far one of the things that stands out to me is nearly everyone I’ve attached to this way have been very poor communicators which always leaves me feeling distant, left out, and unimportant. I don’t think these people wanted me to feel that way. And it is true that I deeply need communication. However, I can start to learn to manage my own expectations and patience around communication. I can use DBT skills to center myself and approach things more heathfully and look at things from other angles. Is it always bad communication, or is it sometimes that the person needs to feel safer before opening up? How can I respond better to this so that I can make that safe environment while still respecting and communicating my feelings and needs, and also not taking that out on the person?

I want and need to work on this for everyone’s sake.

Moving forward is different for everyone. Sometimes it’s putting yourself back out there. But sometimes it’s working on yourself to be a better partner before you put yourself back out there.

And through this all, I’m also trying to reconnect with myself and (re)develop new and old hobbies. I feel like I lost my direction in life several years ago and I need to figure out just what I’m doing with my life with the limitations I have.

Thank you