No, it’s not that I get obsessed with people like I’ve said before¹², it’s that I get obsessed with the RELATIONSHIP I have with that person. This kinda sounds like a distinction without a difference, but in a way I think it’s more accurate. I’m not obsessing about the person, their traits or anything. I’m obsessing about the state of the relationship, do they like me, why don’t they give me attention, did I do something wrong to upset them, why would she say that to me, how can I fix things between us, why did I do that thing and now she’s upset at me, etc. etc. In another sense, I’m obsessing about us.

I think I kind of latched on to the way other people with BPD described their attachments and went with it. I wonder if some are truly obsessed with that person, and/or if some are more like me and it’s about the connection with that person instead.

This is something I kinda always felt, but never put to words, and I think because of that some meaning was getting lost both in communication to others and in how I look at it myself.

Also I’ve been putting together some key things to help me understand these obsessions even better. I’ve been doing good work on this lately and I’m proud of myself. And what I’ve put together I think really underscores what I just said above. Like, there’s definitely more to this that I’ve been taking notes on. I want to sit with it all a bit more before I try to put together another post about it.

I do think putting my understandings of my BPD out into the world is good. Hopefully it helps someone else with BPD get a better idea of what’s going on with them too, even if it’s different from mine. 💕